Desk Job
by Unknown-Bliss
Summary: The Torchwood team goes alien hunting, and Owen has the pleasure of partnering up with Ianto on his very first field mission. Needless to say, he is not happy, especially when they are confronted by the alien and forced into a very awkward position. PreS1


**You know my fic This Little Light of Mine? Of course you do. And that other one, Just Doing My Job? Right. Well this is the tale of Ianto's first field mission fiasco! More Owen POV, by the way.**

**Disclaimer: After so many disclaimers, it kinda gets boring, y'know? Anyhoo, Torchwood will never, and for that matter should never be, placed under my reign.**

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"The sewers. Why the bloody hell did it have to go to the sewers?" I grumbled. Yes, the sewers. Dank, dirty, nasty, smelly, moldy… need I go on? This godforsaken place was worse than the countryside. So, our newest alien-of-the-week had run to the sewers. Fucking lovely.

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"Must you be so depressing all the time?" Suzie asked me. Ha! I doubted she was enjoying this.

"YES!" I snarled as I stepped in some unidentifiable blob, and I wasn't really sure- or very sure that I wanted to be sure- of what it was.

"Oh, Owen, eternal ray of sunshine, won't you use your perpetual bright cheeriness to light the way through these dark tunnels?" Jack said, mock wistfully.

"No," I spat, shooting his joke down immediately. "Why are we following it into the sewers anyway?"

"This particular alien is much more violent than weevils, and will probably kill off the whole weevil population if we don't stop it," he informed me.

"So?" Jack glared at me, that being answer enough.

"Because after that, it will move on to the human population of Cardiff."

"Can't we just let it kill all the weevils, solve our problems for a bit, and _then_ go after it?" I half-pleaded. I really didn't like the sewers.

"Sir," a Welsh voice interrupted. Ianto Jones. "I think we should hurry on. We might lose it," Ianto said, coming up behind me. I glared coldly at him, but he took no notice. Today, Jack had the brilliant idea of bringing the tea-boy along to see how he was on field-missions. It wasn't that the Welsh boy was a hindrance or anything. Actually, it was just the opposite. He was a damn natural! That was also beside the fact that while my legs were completely covered in gunk (after five minutes down here), he and his suit were still completely immaculate. I can't fathom how that's even possible. His shoes were only minimally dirty.

"Very good idea, Ianto," Jack proclaimed. "Get going team!"

We trudged along, and the whole time I was firing glares at the back of our newbie's head. I hadn't liked him much when he first joined, bringing that damned pterodactyl which seemed to take pleasure in crapping on my desk, and I didn't like him now, one month later.

"It separates…" Tosh's voice broke my train of thought. "We'll have to go in groups of two."

"That we will, Toshiko," Jack agreed.

"Well, who will be going with whom?" Suzie put forth.

"Owen, you and Ianto will head to the left. Suzie, Tosh, and I will go this way," Jack said, giving me a mischievous smile. He very well knew that I didn't much like Ianto. "Stay connected on your comms. Report if you find anything at all. Remember, the Uchthulachian is bigger, meaner, stronger, deadlier, stupider, and far more naked than an ordinary weevil. Oh yeah, watch out for those too." He waved us off nonchalantly. "Owen, I trust you'll take care of our newest member?"

"Yeah, yeah, Freddie, I got it. Me 'n' Scoob will go that-a way. Just remember when you find my dead body, sacrificed for this guy; I want my death certificate to say that I was killed by something that did not have such a ridiculous name like the Uchthulachian. Oh, and it has to wear clothes, right?" I saw Ianto shake his head at me, sighing.

Jack saluted to me. "Will do. Good luck soldier. You will not be forgotten. I'll be sure to make that little girl who killed you sound pretty vicious."

"If you wouldn't mind," I sniffed. "And I want a damn good eulogy, too!"

Jack saluted once more, and we headed our separate ways. I traipsed through the tunnel, Ianto following close behind me. We didn't talk at all, and we were on high alert for the Uchthulachian… the naked alien. After about five minutes of completely uncomfortable I-wish-I-could-rip-the-head-of-the-tea-by silence, we emerged into a large room, filled about five inches up with murky water… stuff. There were several holes where other tunnels came in. It figures that the naked alien would choose a place like this. Make it so much harder for the dedicated and not-so dedicated members of Torchwood.

"It reeks!" I said, my words muffled by my hand. Covering my nose didn't help. The terrible smell seemed to seep through my skin and into my nasal cavities.

"We'll have to put up with it," Ianto murmured, walking ahead of me into the water.

_Take that, tea-boy!_ I cheered to myself, watching his feet submerging into the liquid. My face fell when I realized I'd have to follow him in there. "Dammit!" I growled, plunging my foot into the crap-water.

"Which way do we go now?"

Ianto shook his head. "We'll just have to pick one," he said, gesturing to the many tunnels, some small and some big.

There was a splash, and another. Several splashes followed, and before we knew it, there were weevils surrounding us. Ten weevils. Oh, and the naked alien was there too. Looks like Jack was wrong. Naked alien wouldn't kill the weevils; he'd just join them and kill the pesky little humans.

"Shit," I muttered under my breath. There was no way out. We were both backed up to the wall, the weevils and naked alien advancing on us. It would've made me feel better if Ianto had burst into hysterics, thinking he was going to die, but I had no such luck. His face was calm and calculating, albeit worried.

My hands roamed around, trying to find something- _anything_- that could help. It was ever so fortunate for us that the wall we were against was one without tunnels through it. I brought out my gun, holding it close. Ianto had his out, too. We prepared ourselves, waiting for the oncoming massacre.

I moved to the left, a tad closer to the young man. Instead of the uncomfortable proximity I expected, I fell backwards. Stumbling, I steadied myself. I shined my torch at whatever was behind me. There was a large crack in the wall that I somehow hadn't noticed before. It looked like the original builders had wanted to make something of it, but decided otherwise. It was large enough for a man to fit through. Not a weevil, not an Uchthulachian, but a skinny/small man.

"Here!" I tapped Ianto's shoulder, gesturing to the crack. "We could fit here."

"What?" He scrutinized me, seeing if I was serious. I was.

"We could fit in here and not get killed by those things that are getting really close…" It made me wonder why they were so slow. It's not like they had a sense of dramatic tension. "Sooner or later, the others would find us. By then, the aliens might've left, or Jack will scare them off," I explained quickly.

"I'm not sure if that's such a good idea…" Ianto voiced with reproach.

"Well it's the only idea there is, unless you want to get killed," I barked. I put my gun away, positioned myself sideways, and began shuffling through the hole. It began to widen slightly, and I found myself at a dead end. It was not too far in, but far enough so that we couldn't be reached by the aliens. I called to the Welshman, "There's room. Hurry! I'm trying to save your sorry arse!"

He glanced at me doubtfully, but entered along with me, putting his gun in its holster. It was just in time, too, for the aliens had just been ready for attack. They clawed at us, unable to reach far enough. He made it to where I was, and the spacey area I'd first perceived seemed just a bit less roomy.

Ianto glared at me. Our bodies were pressed together in the most awkward way. "This was brilliant," he spat. He used a tone I'd never heard him use before. He was really upset.

I put my hands on his stomach, attempting to push him away. There wasn't enough room for that. "It seemed bigger before you came in! You probably need to lose weight or something!" I argued. My cheeks flushed when my hips rubbed against his, my attempt to distance myself obviously failing.

He squeaked at the contact, and he used his hand to shove me away. Our current position made it impossible to squeeze out, and the Uchthulachian and weevils were still there.

I heard Ianto muttering something under his breath like a mantra, probably keeping his mind off our intimate nearness. Our squirming was not helping the situation, either. It worsened the situation tenfold.

"At least you're alive!" I snapped.

"I should have let myself be killed," he breathed, pushing against my chest. He was right. Dying was probably better than this.

Suddenly, there was a loud ruckus; gunshots fired off, and screeched echoed off the walls. The sound of water being disturbed filled the room.

"Owen! Ianto!" Jack's voice called.

"They should be here," Tosh's answered.

"We're in here!" I cried desperately.

I heard their feet sloshing through the water, nearing to us.

"Where are-?" Jack stopped as soon as he saw the two of us, red-faced and smooshed together, he began to laugh. He was laughing at us!

"JACK!" I yelled. Just then, Suzie and Tosh saw us and started giggling. "Get us out!"

"Sir," Ianto spoke up. Jack went silent to listen to him. "If you don't mind, I think I'll stay at the Hub from now on." That made Jack start roaring with laughter, forgetting completely about helping us. The girls were pretty much useless too.

Times like these that make me really wish I had a desk job.

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No, I am not a Ianto/Owen shipper, just so you know.

**This one has been in my head for a while. I even drew a picture of the boys, stuck as they were, during school. I kept hiding it, seeing as it would be kinda awkward to explain to my teachers why I was drawing two guys together like that… My friends, who have no idea about Torchwood, also saw the rough draft and were all WTF. I hate explaining things.**

**Anyhoo, I'm probably going to post the picture on my DA page eventually. I'll have the link on my profile sometime soon. I don't have anything on it yet, but when I get to it, it will have other Torchwood related piccies. Unfortunately, they're probably all going to be on filler paper, due to the fact that they were drawn at school. Oh, but I drew the team as the Scooby gang, so you might like to see that… eventually.**


End file.
